Within living out the desire for the rewards of the ‘good girl’ one necessarily becomes a skilled actress – but the role takes it’s toll: suppressing opinions, and anger – anger for having agreed to play the role, anger because of the limited options and as a result the extensive suppression leads in turn (as will always happen within living in self-interest) to its polar opposite – blurting out, in my case, as an adolescent and teenager with the good girl becoming ‘bad.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the skills of manipulation that I learned within trying to be a good girl and then carry them over into my adolescent and adult life; accepting these qualities and characteristics as who I am and using them to manipulate others and this physical reality, only to serve an idea in my head that was never real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my options and choices were limited to that of the polarity of good vs bad girl; not seeing and realizing there was the way of being just who and what I am without any reliance on energetic fictions.
When I see myself go into a pattern of self-blame, judgment and a sense of futility within remembering/reliviing how I acted carelessly as an adolescent and teenager in reaction to my suppressions and efforts at being a ‘good girl’, I stop and I breathe. I realize that these emotions and feelings were bound to create the opposite reaction: that of the bad girl.
When I see myself go into a pattern of blame and shame for my reactive state as an adolescent and teenager, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I acted out of a desire for attention and love. I commit to stopping this pattern and to accept myself and move on from where I am here and now.
When I see myself go into a pattern of manipulating others and/or this physical reality within a belief that there is something I need in order to exist as an idea that I have created of myself, as who I believe myself to be, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am manipulating within a closed system; one that cannibalizes itself. I commit to no more cannibalizing myself and this physical reality in order to feed and create ideas I create about who and what I am.
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