People Pleaser – Day 297

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Washington, D.C. Girl sitting alone in the Sea Grill a bar and restaurant waiting for a pickup. 1943, Esther Bubley

The point of being a ‘people pleaser’ but secretly being a ‘people critic’:
wanting the rewards of being in agreement with others, not willing to stand by what I want 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be reluctant to use the word NO when I do not want to do something and this in relation to activities that are purely my choice and the only effect my decision would have would be a possible rejection or criticism from another because I wasn’t doing what they wanted me to do within a  fear of not making the other “happy” and not wanting to cause attention to be paid to me, not wanting to be questioned and challenged, not wanting to challenge the status quo.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remember this pattern within my relationship with my mother where it seemed difficult to discern what exactly made her happy and as a child I felt it was part of my job to make her happy and I would change who and what I was and what I wanted in order to gain her approval and when I couldn’t do this I blamed and judged myself and then I judged and blamed her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into a pattern of ‘victimhood within fearing not pleasing others and if I did not please them I would blame myself as inadequate and play the part of the victim.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty today telling my father I was not going to come up and see him this evening and within this I see that I still have difficulty setting boundaries.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within my secret mind, to have thoughts of resentment because of the guilt with regard to not going up to see my father.

and what this opens up is another pattern of how I have been often awkward and shy  within expressing my wants and desires…to be cont.

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