Early Reactions to Poverty – Day 594


When I ‘place’ the word HUMANITY in front of me the first word that comes up is desperation. I have a memory of driving on a highway that circles Manhattan island. I was with my father and we were driving by housing projects in Harlem.

I asked him about why this place was so rundown – how it came to be like this. He said, “J, most people live lives of quiet desperation.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hopeless and depressed when my dad told me this because I figured he knew and I had a physical reaction of caving in and giving up within feeling overwhelmed by the generations of people living in poverty with no way out and within this wondering, “why them; why not me?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear routine, sameness, predictability as I began to equate this with desperation, acceptance and the fear that it could happen to me and instead of applying myself to practical solutions to address the root of the problem and/or my fear, I sought escape and novelty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine what it must be like to end up in such a housing project and that I must have some kind of luck or grace to not end up there and within this I notice that no one addressing this or talking about it; no one except my dad and he doesn’t seem to have an answer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to run as far as I can away from these places, this concrete, this entire world of working to survive within a fear that one could end up in such a place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my father and his world at the UN as stagnant and ineffectual; questioning why nothing was fundamentally changing; why, with all the publications, meetings and conferences connected with the UN, little change happened in the world around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deal with my ‘cognitive dissonance’ generated by the thought “if this poverty has never been addressed a few blocks from the UN then what hope is there?”, by retreating into my imagination; romanticizing the past as better, or that the American west was a place to escape or that the native American culture had it all figured out, or that living on a farm, close to nature was the answer … for why Harlem existed as it did in the 1970s.

To be continued…


Streets of late 1970s Harlem   

Learning to Ask – Day 592


I am returning to my previous post about my friend coming to stay and my reactions around this. There is the theoretical realm where I said “yes, this is the right thing to do. This person needs help and you can provide it” and then there is the real world/real life aspect where the internal dialogue is something like, “I want it to be quiet, I don’t want stuff everywhere; I wish I could be alone” etc. I am seeing a homeopath about a health issue and he said, “you’re suppose to be reducing stress, not adding to it” …I know, I know…

I commit to being clear about what is best for my health and to communicate this to my friend in a clear and dispassionate way.

When and as I see myself have thoughts about what should be or what someone should do, I evaluate the origin of the thought. I realize that I err in both extremes within wanting to please and compromise myself;  or being detached, and/or self-interested. I commit to asking for what I need without feeling guilty and to consider my health within asking for what I need from my friend.

When and as I see myself become anxious that I cannot ask for what it is I need or want, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have a tendency to want to please and that this personality design also has a flip side of a secretive disdain for people when they do not please me. I commit to walking out such a polarity construct of this superior/inferior starting point  within my relationship with my friend and to not be afraid to ask for what I want.

When and as I see myself go into fear that I may be spending too much money with regard to the upkeep of my home, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have to learn how to ask for what I need and that if I want my friend to contribute in a few months, I need to ask her to do so. I commit to talking with her about this practical issue.

387. The Love/Hate Relationship with Art

Originally posted on MarlenLife's Blog:


The dictatorship of definitions

To learn more about the mind and how we can unleash our creative powers by integrating new living principles, check out:

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Sharing Myself. Day 591

Screen shot 2014-04-08 at 9.29.05 PM
The other day I shared with an old friend (someone I speak with regularly and who lives in California but came to stay with me and so is seeing me ‘close up’ for the first time in years) what my understanding about Desteni and nature of the portal. I do not usually share this. I told her about the years that I have been exploring and using what is shared within the Desteni and how I have applied it in my life; how the material and my Desteni friends have helped me to appreciate and honor the physical world, my physical body and the nature of responsibility in a way that 15 years of Buddhism could not impart – and although I do not blame Buddhism for this, I do give credit to the hundreds of hours of interviews and talks from Sunette and the particular skills and methods available from the Desteni I process. (I remember in the 1980s reading the Seth material and after about 5 minutes being like, “wtf did I just read?’ it was like metaphysical Metamucil – it just ran through me. I remember years of studying the Alice Bailey material and Agni Yoga and feeling strangely separated from everyday life – and I thought yes, this was was a sign of progression and ‘spirituality.’I did not expect that sharing my history with Desteni with a friend would cause me to fear being judged and when it did, I tried to beat her to the punch and I joked that I am in a cult. That’s classic ‘gallows’ or slave mentality; self-deprecation to fend off fear and judgment. (Such self-effacement, placing the opinion of another as more important than sharing myself without resorting to tomfoolery, is stopping now.)

I don’t see myself in a cult in any way; but I projected that she would think so and so I allowed my sharing to be dictated by fear and projection and within this actually created the judgment I was trying to avoid! There are so many venues, so many ways to enter self-enslavement – this time it was the fear that I would be seen as “needing” an explanation, a philosophical resolution because I am too weak to just accept the unknown; that I have latched onto another ‘teaching’ and ‘cried wolf’ because I have ‘over-sought’ and now I must live within being misunderstood (and that she would not benefit from the opportunity to discover all the fantastic tools and insights available, and for free, I must add.)

As above so below…this is just how I have allowed the world system of money to manage and define me within fear and projection: my fear of loss of money; my projection of loss instead of working with money without emotionpositive or negative; using money to share and to declare myself capable of offering a real alternative and a real solution for this world at this time.


Personal Resources – Day 590


I have a friend who has come to stay with me for an undetermined length of time.

I am helping her get ‘back on her feet’ as she’s had a number of unexpected losses and set-backs in her life.  I wanted to be able to help her as I would like to helped if I were in her position. But it’s not so simple when one’s programming kicks in….

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought that I am a ‘good’ person’ because I am helping my friend just like I would feel like I was a ‘good person’ when I would contribute to a good cause, or write a blog that was ‘meaningful’ within creating a personality that wants to be ‘good’ which implies a polarity relationship within; as it means that I am avoiding the potential of bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an imaginative realm within thinking, “thank god, that is not me who is so down on my luck” and within this I see how this is my modus operandi with the entire world system where I think:  thank god I was born where I am, who I am and what I am and not born in some hell hole where I do not have a home, shoes, a place to rest, a clean environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being financially vulnerable and therefore dependent upon others and I see this fear is all-pervasive in our world; that everyone is struggling to find the solution to security and how it is a simple fix and yet  I have, throughout my life stopped myself from committing to working to create a solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project and fear that I am taking on more than I can handle with regard to helping my friend; projecting into future what it means within what I must give of myself and how it is a microcosm of my fear of what it is I must give or be willing to give to ensure that everyone has what they need to survive and how I do not prefer to be inconvenienced or put out in order to accommodate the needs of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have backchat that I am not as excitable as my friend and that I like more peace and quiet and how within this I forget that everyone would like peace and quiet and that nearly 3/4s of the world is forced to live in substandard ways because they do not have money.

to be continued

Energetic Coup D’Etat – Day 589


The Third of May 1808 (Execution of the Defenders of Madrid) – Francisco Goya, 1814

I work in a pressured environment and although I have people that work with me and are there to support the work tasked to my department, ‘the buck’ as they say, stops with me.

I work in a creative department, and as such we are a service for the larger business. Yesterday, a certain someone emailed at 5 o’clock (on a Friday) asking about the status of job for which they had not supplied the requested support I asked for three weeks ago.

This person has been unpleasant to work with for years and I would have gone so far to say that this person is a bully. Despite my previous commitment to no longer allow myself to indulge in an energetic reaction when working with this person, yesterday afternoon, at 6 – or was it 7, I fell, and energy had a kind of Coup D’etat over my being and my physical body suffered.

It was classic: I was tired from a long week of trying to stay one step ahead of the requests and responsibilities of a job I no longer enjoy and so with this late Friday afternoon email (which this person does every week and it’s starting to look intentional) it was easy to blame the other (the King, the system) instead of stopping and seeing how I could correct the situation.

I forgive myself for that I accepted and allowed energy to take possession of myself; despite knowing the toll it takes on my physical body.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage in an overthrow of my physical body in support of the mind as ‘King’ as who and what I am; giving sovereignty to my thoughts as the intellect within a belief that the mind could resolve what was an energetic state of despair; not seeing and stopping the toll such fealty to the mind has taken, not only on just my own body, but on entire physical body of this world which has resulted in real, physical, despair for millions of people, animals and nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of stopping and figuring out a solution to my work problem and the world problem, I chose an energetic reaction of despair and how this parallels my relationship to the world system, where I have chosen to exist in my mind within believing that I could not find and create actual solutions for the world, and instead went into an energetic state of despair and despondency.

When and as I see myself going into an energetic experience of despair and despondency, allowing the mind process to take over and usurp my physical body, upsetting the equilibrium of my equal relationship between my physical and mind within elevating my mind as greater I am choosing the mind and thoughts over the health of the whole and this is reflected in the world system within how I placed and sought ‘the one’ as a leader that could solve the world problems so that I do not have it. I commit to stand and create with others real and actual solutions in this world and to no longer allow the mind to rule the physical world and my body.

The Right Track – Day 588

discardedIt has been a brutal winter in New York.
People seek out harsh places to keep warm, be safe and get some rest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an energetic experience of hopelessness when I see people sitting on benches, on stairs, in doorways or subways, on my way to work because they are homeless, have nowhere else to go, within the belief that is unlikely that their situation will change in the near future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk by such people day after day and have the same experience and judge myself for not doing more to assist and support them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misunderstood when someone looks at me oddly when they see all the other photos I have of people who are homeless or in bad shape and how their befuddlement causes me to have an energetic reaction of feeling isolated and alone and I wonder, “don’t they see the same things that I am seeing?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel isolated because I do not try and explain where I am coming from or what my motivation is within taking pictures of my immediate world and within this I project that the other person is not interested and how this feeling of self-pity, based on being judged or misunderstood, prevents me from sharing and how I use such an emotional experience as a way to divert my focus on my original intention which is to create an actual solution so that no one has be without a home and to instead allow myself to fall into an emotional stateof self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on my feelings and emotions of hopelessness instead of using such feelings and emotions as a starting point for self change and that I feel overwhelmed and hopeless at times and have been looking for someone outside myself to tell me that I am not so bad for what I have accepted and allowed within myself and without in this world.

When and as I see myself go into an experience of thinking/believing that I am in self-judgment or that others are judging me because of what I have accepted and allowed in this world and within myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that no one is able to judge me but myself and so I stop judging and I start taking responsibility for myself and for the world condition. I commit to no more going into an emotional state of self-judgment.

 When and as I see myself go into an experience of wanting to be told that I am OK and that I am ‘on the right track’ which is really an experience of self-pity, I stop and I breathe. I realize that if I don’t start standing completely on my own, taking full responsibility for my life and actions I am living an illusion, handing over my life to another, living in hope and fear that is dependent on another. I commit to no more live within self-pity, within waiting for confirmation from others, within a fear of loss.

How I have limited myself – Day 587


Greenwich, Connecticut 2014

 I am investigating what it would mean if my life has been completely preprogrammed: my preferences, my talents, my inclinations, my family, friends – all preprogrammed so that to ensure that I do not discover my true potential, my real power to create and direct reality.

In this scenario, my self-image, has also been predetermined. Self-image is our brand. Our brand stands for something that we believe is unique. If our brand has already been defined for us what is striking is that we so willingly accept it as our definition.

The act of defining myself as a brand, no matter how expansive, or insightful – this identification began a process of diminishment and limitation.

When did it begin? I think it began around 19/20 years old. I defined myself within my preferences. I built my own prison –it may have looked attractive or even transcended itself for a moment – but because I had accepted a version of myself that was limited within wanting to be special, accumulate wealth, and have an enviable brand – what I thought was self-expression was just a kind of one-woman consumer marketing department.

When life did not synch with my vision, when circumstances occurred that did not serve my vision – I retreated: my world got smaller and my impact on the world diminished. My initial macro intentions of grandeur became micro obsessions of confusion.

I wanted life to serve me. I did not consider that I might serve life. Within a starting point of self-interest, I became provincial. I was not here to see how I might work with others to create a world that we can all share and be proud of, I was intent on accumulating knowledge and information of heaven and of earth to serve as external signatures that my brand was deserving of only the best.

And then something funny happened… 

Cannibal no more – Day 586



The mystery surrounding what really happened in 1961 to Michael Rockefeller, son Nelson Rockefeller’s son (Nelson was Governor of New York) has finally been solved. Michael disappeared while on an on an artifact expedition for a Museum of ‘Primitive’ Art in New York . A Dutch investigator has determined that Michael was gruesomely murdered and then eaten by inhabitants of Papua New Guinea.

That is so gross! Yet, before I go into a reaction I look at myself and I see and I realize that I have done similar to myself: I have cannibalized myself – used the substance and life force of my physical body and abused it – within obsessing, lying, worrying, manipulating, seeking experiences, craving, desiring….

The mind has an inherent habit of deceiving manipulating, and lying…if I am honest I admit a satisfaction in the past within deceiving…which points to how difficult it is to be self-honest with self. The mind is actually programmed to lie and manipulate and thus, cannibalize self and others. Now that’s gross!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have consumed and used my physical body in pursuit of stimulation and stimulating experiences and how I used relationships to control and maintain and feed my need for stimulation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek out only the positive to stimulate myself; ignoring the negative as if the two are not one and within this creating separation as if the positive and the negative were outside myself, and I could, at will control and use the one, (positive) and reject the other (negative)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the outside world when my cannibal nature of seeking out stimulation has not been satisfied and when I would encounter a negative result from my ‘positive’ intention, to never take responsibility for it and to not see and realize that it wall came from me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek to stimulate others so that I could cannibalize them as well – within wanting them to pay attention to me, to like me, to confirm that I matter.
I commit to unmask my cannibal-like nature and assist and support myself and others to understand the nature of the personality system – that it only seeks to serve the mind; to ensure that I do not change and to have me believe that I am in control.
I commit to not fear that if I start changing myself and my relationships no longer provide the stimulation and substance of energy that I am used to, that I will not give up or blame myself and I will realize that who I am is who have been preprogrammed to believe I am, and that I can change to align myself to support Life and not me as the mind of consciousness.

L’Wren Scott Takes Her Life because of Money – Day 585


The American designer, L’Wren Scott ‘embodied’ her fragile sounding name – unable to cope with her recent financial losses, she hung herself yesterday in Manhattan.

Perhaps other considerations influenced her decision. Maybe she was on psychotropic drugs and that caused her to take her own life; but friends and colleagues said she was “distraught and ‘embarrassed’ over her failing business, as she owed nearly $6 million to creditors.”

She saw no way out; she did not imagine an alternative or that there could be a challenge to the world we have created, where the value of life is equal to money.

Funny how obsessed we are with conspiracies and hidden agendas (guilty as charged, here) when it is our accepted relationship to money and how we have allowed money to have become the God of this world that is the single most obvious mechanism of human debasement ever imagined or devised by the human.

It may be easier to run from reality: to retreat into depression or to focus on getting ‘eternal life’ or enlightenment, ­but why do we think such ideas are MORE real when what is REALLY REAL is this world and our relationship to money? And what about the mess we leave behind?

on that note:
Industrial civilisation headed for ‘irreversible collapse’?
A new study sponsored by Nasa’s Goddard Space Flight Center has highlighted the prospect that global industrial civilisation could collapse in coming decades due to unsustainable resource exploitation and increasingly unequal wealth distribution.