Continuing the Journey




In an effort to manage and control cognitive dissonance I went outside myself and tried to control what I perceived as the ‘the situation’ which includes trying to control others. This was my attempt to recreate order, return to the familiar, and end what I experience as dissonance. Control was lost, a control I never had to begin with.

Equality and oneness is me, – just as I am. It’s not a future event or something to achieve. There is no authority, save self-authority. Every belief requires my authorship and is my responsibility and each belief stands on notice within me. There is no ‘other’, no enemy except the ones I create as a belief that there is something or someone who is more powerful, more insightful, who KNOWS MORE, and that I too can possess the ultimate truth. Such has been the grip of my dissonance and the inability to stay in it, see what it is, what is coming up, and who I am, within and as, this dissonance.

I CONned myself. I created dissonance as a wedge between comfort and unknowing, not yet able to live with the dissonance, accept it and see what’s here to discover.

I CONed others by sharing, expanding it and feeding this push-back.
I TROLLED myself within not trusting myself, mentally beating myself up, seeking solutions and then lacking the patience with myself when I could not immediately resolve myself.

This is my equality and oneness: the dissonance I created benefits me to see how and what I am really living and creating.


What is the journey of the redefinition and living of words?
Self Creation : 

School Of Ultimate Living: Facebook Page

Looking at the word “Calm” Day 710



The dark quiet of that room…and the memory the winter of 10th grade when I had ‘mini tuberculosis’ (lol any excuse to avoid school) and the cough medicine had codeine in it and I lounged around in the library at school for  many days, skipping class, dozing in and out, in a foggy calm where all my troubles went away….

But the admonition: “Calm Down” make my shoulders close in and I feel completely out of control. I think Lindsay said, ‘hysterical’. Like “oh shit, it’s here…the worse possible thing”

Then there’s the emergency “everybody needs to stay calm” routine …which makes me panic.

Or like two days ago, when I got the phone call that my friend died, “What do you mean, Brigit is dead?”  When? And my friend Stacey was crying and I told her, “calm down, breathe.”


alms: Greek eleemosyne “pity, mercy,”in Ecclesiastical Greek “charity, alms,” from eleemon “compassionate,” from eleos “pity, mercy,”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use pity and mercy as emotional substitutes for actually creating living change, for standing up for life instead of retreating into reactions and drama.

I commit to be more vigilant within split-second reactions and to breathe and stop myself before I move, physically and mentally

almshouse (n.)

mid-15c., from alms + house (n.).

Almshouse, like Calmshouse, brings up ‘poor house’

…the threat of the poor house, dire poverty related to old fears, genetic fears of poverty, a feeling of panic. Calm is like a coffin; inaction. Calm is suppression and very aging, deadly actually.

The enforced calmness and the effort required to ‘keep calm and carry on’ – elevating conformity to the status quo as a duty.

Telling yourself or another to “be calm” seems like a band-aid, not really supportive, something you say when you don’t know what else to say.

Calm Redefined (1) : Redefining Calm, not as a positive energy experience but as an overall physical relaxation and letting go. Allowing myself to completely relax, quiet the mind, and lie down if possible.

to be cont

Part II: Rabbit Holes and Everyday Heroes


“But how shall we educate men to goodness, to a sense of one another, to a love of the truth? And more urgently, how shall we do this in a bad time?”
RIP Daniel Berrigan, died April 30, 2016 (aged 94)*

Part II

By the mid 1970s, by the middle of high school, it became clear to me something was very wrong. For example, I had an uncle who taught chemistry at West Point Military Academy. He was a war ‘hero’ (diving from a rescue boat back into the English Channel to help rescue his fellow solders when he didn’t have to) and he hated war. He saw his work at West Point Military as a sincere attempt to work to create peace. He had an innate sense of decency. My father was a vet too; wounded in the South Pacific. After he was hit, he spent about 3-5 years just regaining his motility. When he heard about the UN he thought it might be the solution to ending war. He worked there for 35 years. These two men, appeared to be ‘part of the system’ yet both intended to work for peace.

How my father and uncle became disillusioned is a story for another time, but amidst the chaos and controlled demolition, there were so many role models out there: people like Pete Seeger who dedicated his life to promoting a healthy Hudson River; Buckminster Fuller, Ralph Nadar, the Berrigan brothers, Dorothea Day, John Lennon, so many working for social justice.

In college I won an essay contest called “If you want Peace, defend Life” sponsored by the UN and the Holy See. I figured they were hoping to hear an argument against abortion. I focused my essay on forgiveness. I wrote about the genocide of the First People of America as an example of the worst within us and how if we can forgive ourselves and others, we can defend Life and create peace. I went to Rome and saw the ‘back office’ so to speak, of the Vatican. None of the men/priests would look at me or meet my eye. This was at odds  with the Italians I met at Radio Vatican ! I came away thinking that within those gold leafed palaces, where few women breathe, “something wicked, this way comes….”

Between the convent school, the wars and the weaponized mass culture, many others, just like me, were actively seeking “the truth.” By the late 1980s I was steeped in searching:  for example, The Arcane School of Annie Besant and the Lucis Trust  (a  ‘mystery school’ with appropriately mysterious entrance exams. ( )  that had its own office at UN HQ. Their  ‘world server’ blueprint was a kind of  NWO God Corps. (I later learned this group was part of the new ‘earth-based religion’ concocted by Gorbachov and the Club of Rome peeps).

I studied the writings of the Agni Yoga Society ( and had a several year association with the Nicolas Roerich Museum in NYC. ( Roerich was an artist, attempting to create “peace through culture” . My suspicion was that he got a little help….the kind of help the American AbStract Expressionists underwritten by the CIA to combat the popular Soviet constructivists….(but I digress and I have no proof to back that up)

Then there was a Christian mystery school and  Jungian psychology, Gnoticism, and  my final foray into organized spirituality,  a 10 year stint within Tibetan Buddhism (
I even moved into a monastery for a time , cut my hair off, and sat in meditation for days on end (more on the efficacy of this later…)

Convinced the JFK assassination was an inside job and that the CIA was now running the show, this was confirmed, for me, when George Bush Sr. announced the start of the Iraq war. To my understanding, this war confirmed the military industrial complex had indeed won. I was yet to understand the meaning of Bush Sr’s “1000 points of light” allusion (the thousands of foundations and non profits acting as proxies for the corporatists and drug/arms runners) but it was coming…thanks to researchers like Alan Watt. (

Even now, one rarely hears a discussion within the MSM that asks who exactly benefits from these wars and fake ideological antagonisms. The media supports the pretext there is an actual ideological tussle going on – but the two sides appear to be the same agenda –both support corporate hegemony and a ‘race to the bottom.’ (this quote is from Charles Kernagan, another hero, tirelessly working on behalf of exploited garment workers and others. I know because I worked with him.

Right before Gulf War I, I was as a graphic/TV news designer in New York but I  was tired of the east coast and moved to Montana. I ended up going  back to school to become a teacher and tried working in schools. I wanted to make real physical changes in my world. So what happened?

After going back to school and spending lots of money for a graduate degree I realized I was completely out of my element within the current school system.  I retreated again into esoteric study.….When I entered my 50th decade in 2006,  I realized I had ‘spiritualized’ my pursuit of the truth and I realized there were consequences that I had not anticipated…

End of part II

Thanks for reading.

*Plowshares Movement

On September 9, 1980, Berrigan, his brother Philip, and six others (the “Plowshares Eight”) began the Plowshares Movement. They trespassed onto the General Electric nuclear missile facility in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, where they damaged nuclear warhead nose cones and poured blood onto documents and files. They were arrested and charged with over ten different felony and misdemeanor counts.[35] On April 10, 1990, after ten years of appeals, Berrigan’s group was re-sentenced and paroled for up to 23 and 1/2 months in consideration of time already served in prison.[36] Their legal battle was re-created in Emile de Antonio‘s 1982 film In the King of Prussia, which starred Martin Sheen and featured appearances by the Plowshares Eight as themselves.[2]

Rabbit Holes and Everyday Heroes


Dave McGowan, citizen investigator and world hero

Part One: Rabbit Holes & Activism: The origin of my early awareness of things not quite adding up

IN the 1970s, as a child entering that decade, I gobbled up the idea of an idyllic alternative to suburbia and the seemingly endless wars in southeast Asia.  I longed for an idyllic California-like place ; living among poets, painters, wilderness and organic farms. My older brother and his friends went to Woodstock  dancing to  ‘paid pipers’ ‘counterculture’ designed to (among other things) dismantle the anti-war movement, create chaos and general cultural upheavel. [1]

I was too young to filter out what was real from the propaganda. I could see parents confused and unsure of their role – warning us, as best they knew how from the ‘do with thou wilt’ Crowlean philosophy of the invading propaganda. [2] It was a cleverly contrived effort to keep the young diverted from a real egalitarian world,  where instead we saw debasement – where distractions and engineered role models were laid out like so many lines of bad coke…

While many post-war parents were making up for lost time, having spent so many years inside the beast of WWII – they wanted to have fun – drinking and going to parties and so, the kids did the same.  My mother recalled her criteria for making friends was to ensure they were ‘party people.”She told me this on her 91st birthday! Many parents I knew were either hyper-vigilant or heavy drinkers. The WWII generation seemed unprepared to handle the infiltration of mass culture into previously private areas of life — and in such a radical challenge to generations of familial and societal customs.

The ‘hippies ’ ‘punk rock’ and ‘feminism’ caught parents off-guard in the 70s. Along with a well-meaning attempt to protect us from the weaponized feminist movement of ‘free love’ and general degradation, growing up in the 1970s meant grew up confused. On the one hand, a constant barrage of war images over the TV proposed it was a ‘necessary evil to annihilate an even greater evil (communism) – The seemingly endless war in SE Asia made clear that only the poor people’s children fought and died – hardly anyone in my white suburban neighborhood went to Vietnam. If you were in college, you were exempt.

That hasn’t changed as most of today’s SOLDiers join the military in order to have a job.  But by the start of the 1980s there was no denying U.S. complicity in global malfeasance: Chile, El Salvador and so on  —  it became clear that we were living in a highly organized military industrial complex whose profits being made were made through weapons and drugs. Just the same as today… [3]

Questions that come up based on this short essay….

  1. What kind of support would have assisted me as a young person to understand and cope with so many contradictory events and the reporting of those events?
  1. What does if mean to a young person’s sense of self to be labeled a ‘rebel’ or someone who did not accept the ‘official story.”
  1. How do we cope with the energetic reactions to discovering the real nature of the motivations behind most wars and conflicts? How is it related to our internal psychological state and our internal conflicts?
  1. How does the individual cope with feelings and reactions of isolation and alienation within uncovering complicated and potentially disturbing/upsetting information?
  1. How do we protect ourselves from being too gullible? What tools are available for cross-referencing information?
  1. Who can we look to as examples and role models – ordinary people who took it upon themselves to take responsibility, not only for their own reactions, but for the reality of the world we live in.

(to be continued. thanks for reading.)

[1] “Weird Scenes Inside the Canyon” by the recently departed investigator, Dave McGowan — how the anti-war movement was ‘railroaded’

[2] There is lots of info out there about the influence and who subsidized the ‘work’ of occultist, Aleister Crowley. This video is a one example of his far-reaching influence within the American establishment

[3] 9/19/16: Brian Gerrish and his UK Column – “terrifying conclusion” US is likely defending IS





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Portrain of Patience Escalier, van Gogh 1888

Patience: having a look in at the word…

patience (n.)

  1. 1200, “quality of being willing to bear adversities, calm endurance of misfortune, suffering, etc.,” from Old French pacience “patience; sufferance, permission” (12c.) and directly from Latin patientia “patience, endurance, submission

“To be willing to bear adversity” Is there a choice? I would like to know if there is one.

Calm endurance
I’ve been learning about ‘body time’ which is much slower than mind time. Trusting my ‘body time’ is allowing myself to slow down and it is calming and creative.

Of misfortune
misfortune is relative. Knowing what I know, I am extremely fortunate.

Suffering is the nature of experience until it is not.
Guess who can make that happen?

Pacience (Fr) permission: Laissez-faire?– as in “I give permission by ‘virtue’ of my silence?.” Is this where the PAY in Pacience or Patience comes in? as in some/one benefits while another loses?

from Latin patientia — “patience, endurance, submission,”

is presence and stability. I will take it!

a mission to go under the radar, to wait, to receive, to allow

Redefinition for today:
Patience is not passive, it is a strength, born in the knowing that any violation of natural law is a violation of all life. Patience is the ability to continue to wait if necessary and to act within the context of strife and discord to bring and support life and concord.

Patience endures until it acts.

“we have in our power to do the world over again”
Thomas Paine.

Inner Landscape – day 705

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Summer Landscape Pablo Picasso 1902

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dwell or try to second-guess the actions of another or what they may mean or imply, and I forgive the investment of my time in such activity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my ability to anticipate or and predict behavior, and how, even momentarily, I can get caught up in thoughts of what will be, etc, thoughts allowed within avoided disadvantage or diminishment to or within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience suddenly, and without warning patterns of self-diminishment when I project/intuit an emotion of judgment from another and then react to my projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that the vast majority of the people I interact with do not know me and to expect someone to experience themselves similar to how I am experiencing myself is not fair, compassionate or practical as an expectation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush, and not first observe, chill out and wait.

I commit to realize that to stop reacting and instead learning to specify my actions, my words and my behavior within allowing and accepting miscommunications and misunderstandings within realizing the porous nature of my pre-programming that lures  with the predictable honey of emotions and over-identification with the other and I lose touch with me and so, as a preprogrammed, medial natured person I take full responsibility for what I have created/create….

Getting a grip – Day 704

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and frustrated with others when they do not adhere to the belief system that I have created/project.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated, angry and/or frustrated and allow it to be expressed rather instead of stopping and introspect; slowing down and breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and/or annoyed when I perceive someone I am with is holding back and controlling their reactions and because of being afraid to reveal themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect certain behaviors from others and when they do not adhere to my expectations, I can become angry, frustrated and/or annoyed and instead of supporting for them and helping, my focus has been on my reactions, and how I feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be naïve within not seeing and realizing that it is my responsibility to slow down and assess the starting point in others before I freely express and open myself up to others.

I commit to investigate how such patterns were formed, what energetic experience or reaction are connected and I commit to assert my authority within no longer giving permission to this personality pattern.

I commit to accept that within changing myself everything else changes and I commit to allow myself to just be and live in this change.




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