Day 179: Some thoughts are better than others…


…memory of leaving my yard, age 8 or 9, and walking across the street and over the hospital grounds across the way, over a large field, into the woods in search of ‘nature’/wilderness, wildness and I sat by a stream, looking into the water, feeling nostalgic for an imaginary time when people weren’t separate from nature…

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that i accepted separation of myself and from nature and instead of being with nature and enjoying myself as a little girl, I created separation; I created feelings of nostalgia and fantasies in my mind of a fantastical time when imaginary people lived in an imaginary harmony with nature and instead of taking responsibility and creating the conditions of harmony – I preferred the mind; I preferred nostalgia, not seeing and understanding the implication that these decisions and suppressions would create and manifest throughout my entire physical body –  in my conscious, unconscious and subconscious mind and within this, the overall toll these thoughts have had on my physical body.

When and as I see myself ignore the consequences that having thoughts – any thought at all – has on my physical body and when I see myself to into a pattern of attempting to justify one ‘kind’ of thought as superior and therefore ‘ok’ to have,   I stop and I breath and I commit myself to stopping my pattern of justifying certain thoughts as ‘OK’ to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I have/am only slightly aware of the conscious mind dimension of who and what I am within this (and all) situations and circumstances; not yet able to see the vast network of programs in place and the relationships between substance and consciousness and the mechanisms that support and maintain the unconscious and subconscious mind.

When and as I see myself become overwhelmed by the process of  realizing and understanding the ‘how and the why’  of the multidimensional layers of the mind, I stop; and I breathe.  I commit to no more taking ‘comfort’ in thoughts, nostalgia, or  ideas of nature or beauty as compensation for being overwhelmed by the dimensional magnitude of my mind.

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