Author Archives: JL

It’s never too late

and yhScreen shot 2015-11-25 at 2.15.04 PM

Late Night Dreams   Salvador Dali 1923

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is “too late” and that the world is “too far gone.”  I realize I can only have this idea because I have privilege and comfort and that if I were living as billions of less fortunate people live today, I would never say it is  “it is too late” because I would want to live!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to alternately believe that there is still time to stop the abuse of Life and that there is not enough time  and how existing in ambiguity creates inaction, stagnation and passivity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that competition is a natural mode of human expression, thus allowing the continuation of a world of competing self-interests, and that it’s “too late” to change human nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a fictional reality that if I am OK, the world is OK.

I commit to show that it is not too late to stop indulging in imaginary thoughts of consciousness that are accepted as normal while real people and real life is abused, neglected and forgotten.

I commit to show that FREE CHOICE is an imaginary excuse that is used to remain in self-interest and that it can be proven that FREE CHOICE does not exist within the fact that the majority of people on this earth do not have a choice and they do not have the luxury to say, “it is too late.”

I commit to show that it is never too late to stand for life.

I commit to show that negativity and positivity are two sides of consciousness and how both are embedded in limitation: positivity within seeking transcendence and negativity within giving up and avoiding self-change; to stand in each moment and ask, “who am I, what am I doing and how can I support Life?”

A Challenge – Day 643

Screen shot 2015-11-23 at 5.51.25 PM

Monhegan’s Schoolteacher – Jamie Wyeth, 2004

I know what’s best for you (or so I think) but do I know what’s best for me?

Due to my specific upbringing and challenges, I am quite skilled at helping others see their potential. This isn’t something I’ve had to learn, it just comes naturally to me. What doesn’t come naturally to me is seeing and realizing my own potential.

This isn’t an easy point to admit and I take responsibility for the fact that it was easier for me to project and imagine for another rather than to plan and specify myself (obviously there were rewards for me being so helpful – and it was a way to get attention.)

I don’t realize how much I  know and how much of it I can share, if I just apply myself to share. A friend has written, “the more I learn and come to understand of this world – the more I am responsible for it.”

So, here I am on this seven year journey to nothingness, asking “what do I know that is worth sharing?”

The Perils of Reacting: Day 642

Screen shot 2015-11-20 at 10.09.59 AM

The Mock Turtle drew a long breath and said, ‘That’s very curious’
Arthur Rackham

Prevention is the best cure.

I realize that within being reactive I am turning on energies that affecting not just myself, my physical body and what is possible for me but I  am affecting everything in my environment. Everything is interconnected.

Stopping reactions from germinating is an act of compassion towards myself and the world. It is best to stay alert and pluck out reactions before I create more serious scenarios that can seem so real that I start to make justifications for them, preparing tiny beds for them in my mind so they can be comfortable.

I do not fully know the effect I have on others or what my past reactions have been on myself  and those close, and not so close, to me.

Epigenetics claims that “each cell membrane has receptors that pick up various environmental signals, and this mechanism controls the “reading” of the genes inside your cells. Your cells can choose to read or not read the genetic blueprint depending on the signals being received from the environment. So having a “cancer program” in your DNA does not automatically mean you’re destined to get cancer. Far from it. This genetic information does not ever have to be expressed…”  [1]

I have a choice.
If I can’t even control my reactive patterns, how can I possibly place the blame for anything in this world on someone or something else?

When we say we want a world “that is best for all” it  is starts within me… stop all reactions, both positive and negative and use my breath to establish myself HERE.


Eczema – Day 641

Screen shot 2015-11-19 at 9.59.00 AM

Portrait of Grandmother Ana Sewing  Salvador Dali 1921

Recently I have changed many of my familiar patterns: leaving a job, moving from an urban area to a rural one, leaving a place where my someone in my family had lived since the 1840s.

That sense of place had meaning for me, a meaning that I didn’t fully discover until I decided to leave.

I thought about what this meaning was and it how it relates to the land and caring for the land. Somewhere in my mind I felt I was abandoning this place, quitting it  and giving up on it because it was taken over, urbanized and outfitted for profit, not for life.

Then I developed a case of near full-body eczema, something I have never experienced before. First I thought I had an allergic reaction, or shingles. It is painful and really annoying. I have been stressed trying not to scratch it and my skin has legions, red spots, and scales.

The fact that an itchy inflammatory skin condition coincided with my major life changes gives me pause. What is the real reason behind this condition? What is it about me, about my thoughts, feelings and emotions that may have produced this consequence?

I have been caught up in a kind of unconscious nostalgia and anger for a past reflected in flash thoughts I have of remembering my grandmother’s garden, her grape arbor, her kitchen and her slow and steady lifestyle and now seeing what has become of her place, our world and the disregard for the trees and the land and linking this to the aggression of the larger aggression in Syria, in Iraq and all the outrageous incursions on civilians taking place worldwide… a fear and an anger comes up in me that such a world is too far gone…

Changing my life was the right decision but it created turmoil.  Stress and second-guessing myself have contributed to my body erupting in hives and rashes. Turmoil on a global level or a personal level is what we have created in this world.

So how can I deal with my personal turmoil? Can I transfer that learning to the world turmoil?

I start with asking: What can I do to change my relationship to stress and anxiety because now my body is not telling me, it’s yelling….

I am grateful that this point that has opened up.  I accept my responsibility in this.  I slow down my ‘mental eruptions’ and fears using my breath and I give myself permission to release any anger or fear I am still holding in my body using self-forgiveness and self-correction.

Such a simple thing: the toll taken for being “on” day 640

Screen shot 2015-11-05 at 7.31.27 PM

Complex Simple – Wassily Kandinsky, 1939

Paying attention to body cues… slowing down and seeing the patterns of the body and so change my orientation to recognize body cues; internal and external movements to assist me in stopping reactionary states.  Stability and awareness.

Know when you’re playing to a pre-program:
no more creating elaborate or dull stories to cover-up confusion; and stop subjecting my body to the mental conflict and stop thoughts that do not serve a practical purpose in this physical reality.

Identify who is embellishing stories to design a negative or positive outcome instead within an urge to create a upgraded version so that I appear upgraded to myself and others? Accept what is happening.

The ordinary is not extra-ordinary — but still seeing the effort and the desire to create a belief  that what I was doing was the best I could do and instead, using this as my a new point of change, to reaffirm that I am the beginning and the end in this process and therefore I am completely responsible for the outcome.

I disconnect from all automated permissions I have given to the mind to dominate and control who and what I am. I commit to stop my pursuit of ‘identity’ as a method of having a positive relationship with myself and so separate myself from others and I commit to focus my attention on the experience of breath, in each moment, in and with Life as my guide.

Self Monitoring — Day 639

Screen shot 2015-10-29 at 8.39.12 PM

I commit to stop the activation of personality systems within me as best I can and to stay alert to their activation within monitoring my backchat, my reactions and my internal conversations as the lead indicators of self-delusion.

Lao Tzu  said, “If you are immoral, only then the question of morality arises. And if you don’t have any character, only then you think about character. A man of character is absolutely oblivious of the fact that anything like character exists. A man of morality does not know what the word `moral’ means. So don’t be foolish! And don’t try to cultivate. Just be natural.”

I commit to walk myself out of what I have created as an image and projection of myself, of what I thought would give me superiority,  and to let go and be rid of old personality systems so that I  give myself the opportunity to see what and who I really am.

I stop participation within my mind’s relation to inferiority/superiority and to no more allow this energy to limit and define me. I stop participation in seeking validation from others and to continue my process of self-acceptance and stopping myself within my participation in my mind through stabilizing myself in breath and as they say in the 12-step program, take it one day at a time. I stop projecting onto others and to bring the impulse to project back to myself to see in what way I am creating a devaluation or pattern of victimization within myself. I stay  alert to my habit of using cynicism as a point of superiority. I stop imagining, projecting and blaming others within imaginary projections. I take responsibility for all my emotional states of mind within stopping as best I can and no more allowing myself to teeter back and forth between extremes and to stop addiction to wanting to be recognized, admired, and seen as special.  prioritize my life to do what I can to  secure world for myself so that I continue to extend myself within taking responsibility for what is required to live and create a practical world that supports all life.

Be Calm and Investigate Knowing – Day 638


My experience of flippantly “writing off” reality within saying “I know, I know” before I do (see previous post) is the evidence of one of the many internal voices within. I don’t like to admit I need to change (I know, I know) especially when some part of me is revealed and I think, “where did that come from?” and/or “do I really think a deeper here about my responsibility within this or that?” and I get a fleeting (or not) glimpse at all the ghosts in my machine (mind) – but it’s a good thing!

This is the “process” of walking out of consciousness and into awareness.  I see that the reaction of saying “I know I know” is resistance and reluctance to look deeper and in the best case scenario, I push myself to write, to see and to not accept. The personalities that are activated require that I push myself to be here – who I am “when I am not that.” That seems contradictory – another dialectic or polarity, “who I am when I am not that” but this is my working thesis: I am still working with my allowance (and language) of the separation within myself and what presents itself as me.

These various “me-s” struggle to live, queued up for their 15 minutes of fame. Stopping the internal personality show is revolutionary. You’re taking the energy and reactions out and looking at the patterns, careful to make sure they don’t reconstitute under another name.

To investigate myself I must first invest in myself … we “humans are children that have not yet grown up.”

Recommended listening: The Responsibility of Words


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 216 other followers

%d bloggers like this: