My down-to-earth friend, Bart
Years ago I was in a band. I had a problem with the band ‘leader’. It was a relationship I went into knowing that one person had been designated ‘in charge’ but I started to chaff against the ‘hierarchical setup’ muttering to yourself, not being honest – being one way and thinking another.
In relation to this person, and at that time, I identified nearly completely with the thoughts in the mind, believing them real, making them real – creating drama and consequences and the point to share now is that it is possible to go back in time, to self-correct and clean up any mess left behind – any residual thoughts, attachments and/or personalities. This is what the Desteni I Process is all about: self correction and self creation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself because I have to adhere to the ‘rules’ of the woman who started the band, and because she is very strong about what she wants I do not like always like her or agree with her and I perceive she is patronizing and wants me in the band because I am young and I look a certain ‘part.’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a multitude of her characteristics: bossy, narcissistic, neglectful of her child, a phony spiritual person and I try to hide my backchat about her and to appreciate that she has created this band and that the goals of the band are worthwhile.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame her for being domineering because I do not feel like I am considered as a collaborator but more as a pet or as a symbol of ‘younger, cooler person’ for the band.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with her for just being who she is and how I just find her annoying because I think she is too high strung, self righteous and wiry but I do not want to quit the band because I think it is cool to be in a band and I enjoy playing with the other musicians.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent her because she gets to be right/make decisions and there is hardly ever room for discussion or dissent within how the music and the band are set up and she starts to remind me of my mother – stern, headstrong and able to ignore me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with her when she becomes angry with me when I suggest that someone else sing one or two of the songs and I really want to say, “I can’t stand your voice anymore” but I don’t and I see within this a pattern that I have repeated throughout my life where I do not say what I mean because I am afraid of the reaction and so I skirt the real reason why I am saying something by using another, less ‘offensive’ excuse (like the change would be good, rather than critiquing her voice)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent her because I see her as bossy and humorless and I resent her having all the control over the songs and the arrangements and I see that I do not following her lead and I do not like that I am not considered worthy of including in decision making.
When and as I see myself pity myself because I do not like the woman who leads the band and I feel I am being taken advantage of, I stop and I breathe. I realize I pitied myself because I felt the ‘real me’ was not seen and appreciated and that I was there because I ‘looked the part’ and how this set off the pattern within me of being valued for how I look, a picture presentation of a ‘nice girl’ instead of being ‘taken seriously’ the way ‘guys are.’ I commit to stop any instances where I start to feel sorry for myself because I feel I am being unfairly victimized because I am female or look a certain way and to instead enjoy myself and stop allowing thoughts about what others think/perceive me to influence me or define.
When and as I see myself judge her for a variety of reasons, I stop and I breathe. I realize she bothers me because she was reflecting back to me repressed and suppressed aspects of myself that I did not want to face: wanting to control, feeling out of control, being all over the place, spiritually, neglecting aspects of myself. I commit to use any/all antipathies I have towards others to see if what I am finding difficult about them is really what I find difficult about myself and if so, to correct myself.
When and as I see myself blame her because I view the setup of the band as too hierarchical and I see her as ‘bossy’, I stop and I breathe. I realize my self-righteousness comes from not being given enough attention and because my ideas for the band are not taken seriously which is a play-out similar to my childhood within trying to get attention and be taken seriously. I commit to stop assuming that working/doing something with others is going to fit in nicely with all my desires, plans, and preferences and to, when things are not going the way I would like, to stop and breathe and see how I can work with people in a way that works for all.
When and as I see myself become angry because someone I am with is high strung and/or self-righteous, I stop and I breathe. I realize that she reminds me of my mother who would often say that I was ‘too high-strung’ and I how I resented this and would became angry because of her judgment. I commit to stop myself whenever I am in a reaction to another person and to breathe and ask myself if this reaction is familiar then what is the origin and can I trace it back to stop the pattern and if I cannot do it in the moment – to do it later, as soon as I can?
When and as I see myself resent someone because I project that they think I cannot challenge them along with assuming other attributes that remind me of my mother, I stop and I breathe. I realize that all these attributes boil down to the pattern of feeling disregarded and dismissed; that my opinion doesn’t matter or count. I commit to, when I have a feeling or emotion related to being dismissed or discounted, to breathe and feel myself connected to the earth and the actual matter that is life which I support and which supports me.
When and as I see myself become angry because I do not say what I really mean and how I become angry with myself because of it, I stop and I breathe. I realize there are many tributaries leading to this personality trait of being afraid/reluctant to say what I mean and one origin point was just wanting to be accepted and liked and how this pattern started in the early school years of feeling different and wanting confirmation that I was OK. I commit to slow down and consider how I can better articulate with others what I like, how I feel or what I think iand to accept that there may be consequences which may include others not agreeing with me and to realize it’s inevitable and OK for that to happen.
When and as I see myself resent her because I see her as bossy, humorless and dictatorial, I stop and I breathe. I realize that starting with my mother and going forward I have always had trouble with authority, especially after being with nuns who I also saw as dictatorial, bossy and humorless. I commit to stop the automated nature of my reaction towards women, especially women that look like nuns, or who are especially ‘masculine’ in their expression within wanting to be mean towards them or ignore them and make them feel bad and I commit to take another in-depth look into this pattern so that I can really understand and free myself from further reaction.