Author Archives: JL

boundaries – day 691

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Atsuko Tanaka: Electric Dress (1956)

The word ‘boundaries’ came up for me this week after listening to a  youtube vlogger who makes videos about growing up in a ‘narcissistic’ household. There are many ways to describe such a home but a common feature is that one or both of parents are self-absorbed and self-preoccupied. The child is confused by this  lack of parental interest  and a general feeling of objectification. Children in such homes can spend inordinate amounts of energy devising strategies to get the attention of the uninterested parent(s). Such ‘jumping through hoops’ is part performance and part anger and frustration. The thwarted desire for intimacy, on the part of the child,  combined with an often controlling lack of interest on the part of the parent(s) creates a hazy and undefined notion of what exactly constitutes appropriate boundaries.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not being skilled in setting boundaries with people, and how, when combined with an undue reverence for acknowledgement, along with a variety of ‘people pleasing’ behaviors have resulted in many multi-dimensional consequences that, for the most part, have not been supportive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to rush to create desired outcomes as a reward for a projected intimacy with others and how such projection has lead to rage and frustration when the relationship revealed it’s true identity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have difficulty with listening to criticism and to have difficulty with the basic conflicts that come with ‘everyday’ life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created unnecessary drama within having difficulty with setting boundaries – both wanting to both please and avoid as automated responses that I did not challenge.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid people and situations that might trigger unresolved feelings of anger or betrayal and how I justified my avoidance within defining and believing myself to be shy or introverted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have gotten myself into unsafe and dangerous positions in my life because of a lack of boundaries, or because I felt my boundaries have been infringed upon, or ignored.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into reactive emotional states if I perceive my boundaries are infringed upon and how asserting and voicing my rights was even more frightening sometimes, especially  within stepping away from an unhealthy situation/relationship and/or from false friendships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in self-sabotaging behavior because I did not believe in my ability to define my reality within living my words and because I doubted myself, I doubted everyone else as well.

I recommend:

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in discovering and developing their utmost potential


690: how i’ve changed

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Far From  1964 Dorothea Tanning

 

Self-development at Desteni I Process is really un-selfdevelopment.

I started to see how I created myself — layer upon layer, and then I started to change within walking backward, especially through looking at the specific the words I have used…
It’s like: “well if I can create that within me…that bitch, that insecure person, that bombast etc. then  I can, by the same principle, create a  me that is being and becoming a person of self-honesty.

I see the toll  of living within an operating system of mal-adaptation, and like the rings on an old growth tree, the effects are evident in my physical body and my physical world and because one effects the other, I take responsibility to have a critical look at what I have created.

The patterns within and without demonstrate the unnecessary punishment we have meted out to ourselves and this world – not realizing we created this and we defined it –  so where’s the disconnect?

Reading and listening to interviews on Eqafe, and the working through the  lessons of  Desteni I Process has helped me to see and understand the disconnect –  I see my full responsibility for every relationship and for every outcome of every relationship, and how it always comes back to self-honesty and if I am willing to challenge my own beliefs.

I see how the act of taking responsibility for every thought, word and action requires a review of language – how I live and have lived words and what words I choose for my future. It’s a new kind of alchemy – new to me anyway!


689: ill-ease

 

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Max Ernst A little sick horse’s leg 1920

And so – one will use the Pain to Find within you the Designs as the Signs of Pain, and then use the Science of Relationships and Mathematics, which is the Foundation of All Existence – to Redesign yourself, to What is Best for All Life.http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/11/day-207-pain-and-pre-programmed-design.html

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to isolate myself when I do not feel well and within this only think of myself and not considering how action and reactions will and do affect those around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget the underlying principle of giving as I would like to receive and to instead allow consciousness, the mind, with it’s preferences and desires to dictate my behavior and words in such a way that I do not consider the effect of my words until after I have spoken in haste.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “want what I want when I want it” and to not place in equality the consequences of each of my decisions and all of my words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take seriously the need to change myself so that I am in all ways equal within considering the consequences of all my actions and words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not always trust that I know the boundaries of what is ‘being hard on myself’ and what I should expect and live as a principled life.

I commit to realize and live that I am creating myself in every moment – that every moment is an opportunity to correct myself, to be and become the best I can be; a person I would like to be ‘me’ and be with.


688: Transgressing self

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Peter Doig Architect’s Home in the Ravine 1991

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have kept internal dossier of transgressions against me, including any slights, insults, hurts etc within a belief that such wrongs need to be catalogued so as to keep a ‘running tab’ on any challenge to my worldview, consciousness and/or value system and how this internal system is akin to a DNA strand, stabilized within polarity as ‘my identity’ and energized within a system of reactions and beliefs, with a beginning point and an end point in a self-containment of self-deception.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize the genetic component within this self-definition of keeping tabs and how within my reactions I created new and novel pathways of self-deception believing them to be important ‘self discoveries’ and other bits and strands of opinions and feedback with which I used words and expressed myself that had ripple effect in my life and the lives of my family and culture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that this ‘keeping track’ of transgressions had a layering effect within me, causing multidimensional consequences to my life, my culture/world and my physical body, creating memories and then using these memories to justify and further layer my consciousness within a deep self-deception of not taking responsibility and seeking escape from my own consciousness creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have used my imagination for only my own survival, my own version of what I believed was correct, my own struggle to win and my own recording keeping to ensure that I come out on top – so that I win.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become an automated, self-interested record keeper, seeking a reward that was purposely not ostentatious but a more subtle, sophisticated form of reward – not seeing and realizing my existence was within a closed system of no change and no real, meaningful reward.

I commit to show that what I thought of as my ‘personal world’ with my ‘personal gripes’ and ‘my dossier of injustices’ is not really personal to me but is the result of my acceptance of these emotions and feelings as who I am and that I have the power to change my relationship to myself: to never allow feelings and emotions of victimhood, powerlessness, helplessness in relation to any perceived transgressions and to stand and live my life in this moment, as best I can, to support myself and others to realize our power to change who we are in relation to our mind.

 


687: ReViewing Responsibility

Globalism

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame governments, corporations, international organizations, foundations and nonprofits for not asking for our consent on agreements that do not serve what is best for all and within this I realize that I have not taken the responsibility to do all I can to educate and realign democracy so that it truly serves the common good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have had the emotion of feeling overwhelmed within understanding the world system and the ways necessary to make democracy a viable, living system that supports all life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have existed within an energetic and polarized relationship to the idea of ‘internationalists’ and ‘internationalism’ within holding onto to anger and frustration seeing the inept workings of international organizations first hand and rejecting them in total instead of seeing and realizing the potential to use what is best about them (and discard the rest.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have existed within an energetic and polarized relationship of frustration and anger when reading false accounts of history, presented as fact, used to promote an agenda that does not take into consideration the basic needs of all and the right of all to live in peace.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have demanded too little of myself within not seeing and realizing that just as I was educated and came to see the value and necessity of a principled way of living, it is my responsibility to share why this is so important and critical at this time.

I forgive myself for avoiding contact, exposure and witness to the suffering and pain on earth, and how despite the many thousands of breaths I have had to take responsibility I have not always done so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that there is no more time to wish and hope – that now is the time to push and expand myself to do what I can to support myself and those on the front lines of taking responsibility.

I commit to continue to push myself to see and realize I AM EXISTENCE and therefore I am directly and indirectly involved and responsible for the world and that the creation of a new world that supports all life is directly dependent upon me.


Day 686: Happiness & Purpose

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Edward Corbett  Washington, DC, October #8, 1964   1964

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within contradiction, as when I have believed that I would like to support humanity in some way so that we can create heaven on earth and yet I have lived within competition, within a desire for ownership, within wanting recognition – not seeing and realizing these aspirations are not the goals that support awareness and creativity but support a continuation of separation and suffering.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have mistaken happiness for purpose and even though it may have looked as if what I was aiming for – within teaching or volunteering– was altruistic, it was a still a pursuit of personal happiness, compounded within an acceptance of the world system as it exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have disregarded the plight of the majority of humanity who do not have the luxury of pursuing their purpose because they do not have the resources, the money, the support, or the health to do so.

I forgive myself for not realizing that within wanting to do something in this world to benefit all that I must challenge and expose within myself as well, the intrinsic and inherent flaw of self-interest within the world system of money and government.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decry the efforts within the creation of a global government when the fact is we are all here together – ergo, we are in a global system and yes, there is a difference between rejecting a centralized oligarchy and the creation of independent global villages, but the fact remains we are now, globally interconnected and interdependent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have contributed to the massive inequality in the world within seeking my happiness instead of my purpose and how this resulted in abuse even as I believed that what I was doing was altruistic, I still harbored a hope that I would ‘come out a winner’ – and have ‘ a great awakening’ when, in fact, the great awakening, is the realization of humbleness in face of the real compassion, which is the accurate assessment of one’s strengths and how one can best contribute to the world.

I commit to show that it highly unlikely that one will truly ‘win’ in this system as only the 1% truly ‘win’ the material resources in this world and that the consumerist values that sell the goal of individual happiness will only cause the individual and the world to continue to deteriorate, causing the majority of living beings to suffer for the few to thrive.

I commit to show that being happy and finding one’s purpose do not have to exist in polarity, opposition, nor does one have to sacrifice one for the other but that there is an order: first purpose, then  happiness follows.


Being stingy w myself: Day 685

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I Give These Flowers Where Ivans Live – Maria Primachenko, 1980

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stingy and ungenerous with myself within a belief that I must save my money and never spend it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have victimized myself within a pattern of self denial where I do not allow myself to have things I want, or treat myself to things like massages or other treatments that would enhance my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have inhabited and accepted the beliefs of my parents that I could lose everything in an instant and that a financial collapse of epic proportions could happen and I would left vulnerable if I spent money on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everything “costs too much” and fall into the pattern of my parents of being stingy with themselves and denying themselves pleasure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have internalized and given authority to kind of underlying undercurrent of paranoia about money and the need to save and never spend, especially on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be not be generous with myself and  in fact to be more generous with others within identifying with their needs and their predicaments rather than my own, and within this ‘savor’ing the energetic experience of having done something good; validation that I am a good person, that I am selfless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have internalized a harsh doctrine of self denial within a belief that such a habit made me a better person, a spiritual person, a caring person.

I commit to claim my authority within using the word “generosity” as giving to myself as I would like to receive: to be on the receiving end of my own generosity.

 


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