Author Archives: JL

Rabbit Holes and Everyday Heroes


Dave McGowan, citizen investigator and world hero

Part One: Rabbit Holes & Activism: The origin of my early awareness of things not quite adding up

IN the 1970s, as a child entering that decade, I gobbled up the idea of an idyllic alternative to suburbia and the seemingly endless wars in southeast Asia.  I longed for an idyllic California-like place ; living among poets, painters, wilderness and organic farms. My older brother and his friends went to Woodstock  dancing to  ‘paid pipers’ ‘counterculture’ designed to (among other things) dismantle the anti-war movement, create chaos and general cultural upheavel. [1]

I was too young to filter out what was real from the propaganda. I could see parents confused and unsure of their role – warning us, as best they knew how from the ‘do with thou wilt’ Crowlean philosophy of the invading propaganda. [2] It was a cleverly contrived effort to keep the young diverted from a real egalitarian world,  where instead we saw debasement – where distractions and engineered role models were laid out like so many lines of bad coke…

While many post-war parents were making up for lost time, having spent so many years inside the beast of WWII – they wanted to have fun – drinking and going to parties and so, the kids did the same.  My mother recalled her criteria for making friends was to ensure they were ‘party people.”She told me this on her 91st birthday! Many parents I knew were either hyper-vigilant or heavy drinkers. The WWII generation seemed unprepared to handle the infiltration of mass culture into previously private areas of life — and in such a radical challenge to generations of familial and societal customs.

The ‘hippies ’ ‘punk rock’ and ‘feminism’ caught parents off-guard in the 70s. Along with a well-meaning attempt to protect us from the weaponized feminist movement of ‘free love’ and general degradation, growing up in the 1970s meant grew up confused. On the one hand, a constant barrage of war images over the TV proposed it was a ‘necessary evil to annihilate an even greater evil (communism) – The seemingly endless war in SE Asia made clear that only the poor people’s children fought and died – hardly anyone in my white suburban neighborhood went to Vietnam. If you were in college, you were exempt.

That hasn’t changed as most of today’s SOLDiers join the military in order to have a job.  But by the start of the 1980s there was no denying U.S. complicity in global malfeasance: Chile, El Salvador and so on  —  it became clear that we were living in a highly organized military industrial complex whose profits being made were made through weapons and drugs. Just the same as today… [3]

Questions that come up based on this short essay….

  1. What kind of support would have assisted me as a young person to understand and cope with so many contradictory events and the reporting of those events?
  1. What does if mean to a young person’s sense of self to be labeled a ‘rebel’ or someone who did not accept the ‘official story.”
  1. How do we cope with the energetic reactions to discovering the real nature of the motivations behind most wars and conflicts? How is it related to our internal psychological state and our internal conflicts?
  1. How does the individual cope with feelings and reactions of isolation and alienation within uncovering complicated and potentially disturbing/upsetting information?
  1. How do we protect ourselves from being too gullible? What tools are available for cross-referencing information?
  1. Who can we look to as examples and role models – ordinary people who took it upon themselves to take responsibility, not only for their own reactions, but for the reality of the world we live in.

(to be continued. thanks for reading.)

[1] “Weird Scenes Inside the Canyon” by the recently departed investigator, Dave McGowan — how the anti-war movement was ‘railroaded’

[2] There is lots of info out there about the influence and who subsidized the ‘work’ of occultist, Aleister Crowley. This video is a one example of his far-reaching influence within the American establishment

[3] 9/19/16: Brian Gerrish and his UK Column – “terrifying conclusion” US is likely defending IS





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Portrain of Patience Escalier, van Gogh 1888

Patience: having a look in at the word…

patience (n.)

  1. 1200, “quality of being willing to bear adversities, calm endurance of misfortune, suffering, etc.,” from Old French pacience “patience; sufferance, permission” (12c.) and directly from Latin patientia “patience, endurance, submission

“To be willing to bear adversity” Is there a choice? I would like to know if there is one.

Calm endurance
I’ve been learning about ‘body time’ which is much slower than mind time. Trusting my ‘body time’ is allowing myself to slow down and it is calming and creative.

Of misfortune
misfortune is relative. Knowing what I know, I am extremely fortunate.

Suffering is the nature of experience until it is not.
Guess who can make that happen?

Pacience (Fr) permission: Laissez-faire?– as in “I give permission by ‘virtue’ of my silence?.” Is this where the PAY in Pacience or Patience comes in? as in some/one benefits while another loses?

from Latin patientia — “patience, endurance, submission,”

is presence and stability. I will take it!

a mission to go under the radar, to wait, to receive, to allow

Redefinition for today:
Patience is not passive, it is a strength, born in the knowing that any violation of natural law is a violation of all life. Patience is the ability to continue to wait if necessary and to act within the context of strife and discord to bring and support life and concord.

Patience endures until it acts.

“we have in our power to do the world over again”
Thomas Paine.

Inner Landscape – day 705

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Summer Landscape Pablo Picasso 1902

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dwell or try to second-guess the actions of another or what they may mean or imply, and I forgive the investment of my time in such activity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my ability to anticipate or and predict behavior, and how, even momentarily, I can get caught up in thoughts of what will be, etc, thoughts allowed within avoided disadvantage or diminishment to or within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience suddenly, and without warning patterns of self-diminishment when I project/intuit an emotion of judgment from another and then react to my projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget that the vast majority of the people I interact with do not know me and to expect someone to experience themselves similar to how I am experiencing myself is not fair, compassionate or practical as an expectation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush, and not first observe, chill out and wait.

I commit to realize that to stop reacting and instead learning to specify my actions, my words and my behavior within allowing and accepting miscommunications and misunderstandings within realizing the porous nature of my pre-programming that lures  with the predictable honey of emotions and over-identification with the other and I lose touch with me and so, as a preprogrammed, medial natured person I take full responsibility for what I have created/create….

Getting a grip – Day 704

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and frustrated with others when they do not adhere to the belief system that I have created/project.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated, angry and/or frustrated and allow it to be expressed rather instead of stopping and introspect; slowing down and breathing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become irritated and/or annoyed when I perceive someone I am with is holding back and controlling their reactions and because of being afraid to reveal themselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect certain behaviors from others and when they do not adhere to my expectations, I can become angry, frustrated and/or annoyed and instead of supporting for them and helping, my focus has been on my reactions, and how I feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be naïve within not seeing and realizing that it is my responsibility to slow down and assess the starting point in others before I freely express and open myself up to others.

I commit to investigate how such patterns were formed, what energetic experience or reaction are connected and I commit to assert my authority within no longer giving permission to this personality pattern.

I commit to accept that within changing myself everything else changes and I commit to allow myself to just be and live in this change.




so me, day 703


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I commit to stop seeking approval or recognition when engaging with people and to question my any hint of such motivation and intention and how once I have directed myself to engage or reply to no more allow myself to second-guess and question myself while in the engagement.

I commit to no more seek to control outcomes and to relax within the awareness that my starting point within engagement has no ulterior motive.

I commit to stop seeking approval for how I look or how I live my life and if someone has a critique, I am willing to listen and learn but I will not try and achieve or fulfill a preplanned design or agenda – and because there may still be agendas of which I am yet unaware within me, I observe my body and my responses and this will let me know when I am back in the pattern of detachment, backchat, and analysis about interpersonal exchanges.

I commit to take better care of myself and to slow down and wait for others to engage before I engage with them as an experiment, to show myself that I can wait and that I do not need approval or engagement.

I commit to no more feel ashamed at having only arriving at this moment now in seeing the pattern and I commit to let go of all self-devaluation whenever such thoughts, triggered by memories or not and when it does, to stop and give myself an actual or vitual hug and realize I have the power to dissolve this personality system.

I commit to no more ‘retell the stories’ that explain why it is I have devalued myself and why I created the reactions I did as subtle justifications for my personality and I now understand and let it go.

I commit to no more diminish myself physically or judge others for causing this self-diminishment when someone is not responding to me in the way I perceive I would have, or how I perceive they should have.

I commit myself to physically be aware of when I start to embody this personality pattern in the form of slumped shoulders, frowning or being fidgety to stop, breathe and demonstrate my authority within being able to change.

Healing ourselves – day 702

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Delacroix, Head of Cat

New German Medicine posits that the origin of nearly all disease is an unexpected emotional trauma and that healing  is possible once we  participate in the responsibility of healing ourselves… the “what we accepted in our past” must be reexamined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a trauma from the past implanted into and through the unconscious mind, will accumulate, layer by layer, through participation with visualized replay, self blame and backchat  will lead to physical disease and imbalance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have devalued, belittled, or thought less of myself as compared with anyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing comments or ideas of another about me influence and change the value I place on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be able to easily identify the “conflict of self devaluation” or that I will misidentify the conflict (as termed in German New Medicine) that created my mind/body imbalance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become exasperated when I push myself to resolve an the unknown before I’ve stopped, slowed down and breathed first…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want easy answers, quick answers, fast resolutions and instant diagnoses.

I commit to show that I am, just like humanity is in fact… ’one body on earth’ working together in the creation of life on earth and the every one of us plays a role in this creation, either passively through allowance, or actively through creating and that through looking, understanding and forgiving ourselves, we can create a pause, a space, a breath.



self devaluation – day 701

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to second-guess myself, within a believe that if I am too open with people, especially new people, that I will be judged.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ruminate on the impression I give to others and within this I devalue my natural expression of friendliness and I worry that I may appear to be strange, eccentric or odd to others who are less inclined to be outgoing and within this I am giving more value to what another thinks about me than how I am assessing myself and what is the best way to express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself as an introvert or as an extrovert, depending upon various personality systems under which I am operating and depending upon with whom I am communicating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I have to curtail my natural enthusiasm and ‘tone myself down’ at times because I compare myself to others and because I do not want to be see as odd.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to ‘stay under the radar’ at times and fully express myself for fear of coming on too strangely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have failed to see that to train the body to become addicted to the abuse and pleasure the mind inflicts on the body makes stopping and changing more difficult.

I commit myself to show that the preoccupations of the mind totally disregard life in every way and that this is demonstrated on earth and in all areas of our life.

I commit myself to show that my previous acceptance of myself as inherently flawed and /or evil can be conquered by self, through taking self-responsibility without divine force or Forgiveness but requires the courage to be self honest and to give oneself the gift of self-forgiveness.

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