Author Archives: jeanne

Down to earth and practical, living change. Day 630

Bart

My down-to-earth friend, Bart

Years ago I was in a band. I had a problem with the band ‘leader’. It was a relationship I went into knowing that one person had been designated ‘in charge’ but I started to chaff against the ‘hierarchical setup’ muttering to yourself, not being honest – being one way and thinking another.

In relation to this person, and at that time, I identified nearly completely with the thoughts in the mind, believing them real, making them real – creating drama and consequences and the point to share now is that it is possible to go back in time, to self-correct and clean up any mess left behind – any residual thoughts, attachments and/or personalities. This is what the Desteni I Process is all about: self correction and self creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself because I have to adhere to the ‘rules’ of the woman who started the band, and because she is very strong about what she wants I do not like always like her or agree with her and I perceive she is patronizing and wants me in the band because I am young and I look a certain ‘part.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a multitude of her characteristics: bossy, narcissistic, neglectful of her child, a phony spiritual person and I try to hide my backchat about her and to appreciate that she has created this band and that the goals of the band are worthwhile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame her for being domineering because I do not feel like I am considered as a collaborator but more as a pet or as a symbol of ‘younger, cooler person’ for the band.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with her for just being who she is and how I just find her annoying because I think she is too high strung, self righteous and wiry but I do not want to quit the band because I think it is cool to be in a band and I enjoy playing with the other musicians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent her because she gets to be right/make decisions and there is hardly ever room for discussion or dissent within how the music and the band are set up and she starts to remind me of my mother – stern, headstrong and able to ignore me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with her when she becomes angry with me when I suggest that someone else sing one or two of the songs and I really want to say, “I can’t stand your voice anymore” but I don’t and I see within this a pattern that I have repeated throughout my life where I do not say what I mean because I am afraid of the reaction and so I skirt the real reason why I am saying something by using another, less ‘offensive’ excuse (like the change would be good, rather than critiquing her voice)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent her because I see her as bossy and humorless and I resent her having all the control over the songs and the arrangements and I see that I do not following her lead and I do not like that I am not considered worthy of including in decision making.

When and as I see myself pity myself because I do not like the woman who leads the band and I feel I am being taken advantage of, I stop and I breathe. I realize I pitied myself because I felt the ‘real me’ was not seen and appreciated and that I was there because I ‘looked the part’ and how this set off the pattern within me of being valued for how I look, a picture presentation of a ‘nice girl’ instead of being ‘taken seriously’ the way ‘guys are.’ I commit to stop any instances where I start to feel sorry for myself because I feel I am being unfairly victimized because I am female or look a certain way and to instead enjoy myself and stop allowing thoughts about what others think/perceive me to influence me or define.

When and as I see myself judge her for a variety of reasons, I stop and I breathe. I realize she bothers me because she was reflecting back to me repressed and suppressed aspects of myself that I did not want to face: wanting to control, feeling out of control, being all over the place, spiritually, neglecting aspects of myself. I commit to use any/all antipathies I have towards others to see if what I am finding difficult about them is really what I find difficult about myself and if so, to correct myself.

When and as I see myself blame her because I view the setup of the band as too hierarchical and I see her as  ‘bossy’, I stop and I breathe. I realize my self-righteousness comes from not being given enough attention and because my ideas for the band are not taken seriously which is a play-out similar to my childhood within trying to get attention and be taken seriously. I commit to stop assuming that working/doing something with others is going to fit in nicely with all my desires, plans, and preferences and to, when things are not going the way I would like, to stop and breathe and see how I can work with people in a way that works for all.

When and as I see myself become angry because someone I am with is high strung and/or self-righteous, I stop and I breathe. I realize that she reminds me of my mother who would often say that I was ‘too high-strung’ and I how I resented this and would became angry because of her judgment. I commit to stop myself whenever I am in a reaction to another person and to breathe and ask myself if this reaction is familiar then what is the origin and can I trace it back to stop the pattern and if I cannot do it in the moment – to do it later, as soon as I can?

When and as I see myself resent someone because I project that they think I cannot challenge them along with assuming other attributes that remind me of my mother, I stop and I breathe. I realize that all these attributes boil down to the pattern of feeling disregarded and dismissed; that my opinion doesn’t matter or count. I commit to, when I have a feeling or emotion related to being dismissed or discounted, to breathe and feel myself connected to the earth and the actual matter that is life which I support and which supports me.

When and as I see myself become angry because I do not say what I really mean and how I become angry with myself because of it, I stop and I breathe. I realize there are many tributaries leading to this personality trait of being afraid/reluctant to say what I mean and one origin point was just wanting to be accepted and liked and how this pattern started in the early school years of feeling different and wanting confirmation that I was OK. I commit to slow down and consider how I can better articulate with others what I like, how I feel or what I think iand to accept that there may be consequences which may include others not agreeing with me and to realize it’s inevitable and OK for that to happen.

When and as I see myself resent her because I see her as bossy, humorless and dictatorial, I stop and I breathe. I realize that starting with my mother and going forward I have always had trouble with authority, especially after being with nuns who I also saw as dictatorial, bossy and humorless. I commit to stop the automated nature of my reaction towards women, especially women that look like nuns, or who are especially ‘masculine’ in their expression within wanting to be mean towards them or ignore them and make them feel bad and I commit to take another in-depth look into this pattern so that I can really understand and free myself from further reaction.


Identity and the American Dream® — Day 629

Lavendar-Pinup

What is ‘identity’? Why did I believe I needed to create one? Didn’t I come into this world with an identity: wasn’t I already me when I got here?

As a child there was an attempt to impart a ‘scripted’ identity imposed through family, mass culture and education – one that I  accepted (for a time) as real – couched under a grand  ‘Amercian Dream’  that promised to ‘improve’ and ‘progress’ for all life on earth, equally.

As I grew older the pursuit of ‘freedom’, ‘creating your own way of life’ and ‘greater affluence’ came into conflict with what I observed: an abused earth with the majority of people having no access to ‘freedom’, ‘affluence’ or even flushing toliets…

Coming of age in the 1970s the hippie hopes that preceded us never materialized. There are many reasons for this but from my perspective as a teenager it left a gaping hole of disappointment. Instead of ending starvation and creating ‘geodesic domes’ for everyone who needed them, we ‘manifested’ self help instruction, power suits and naval gazing. Sound cynical? As a young person I created my own justification/identity within these paradoxes. I accepted a kind of caste system: that there were some people working to create a better world while others, such as myself, were contributing within exploring the spiritual dimension, providing prayers and intentions that would somehow magically manifest a better world. Ha ha! hence my current  cynicism realism.

There have been many junctures in my life when I have realized that my ‘identity’ was self-serving. Did I comply and hold fast to the default beliefs and conditioned identity? Yes. Did I deny what is going on and retreat into the imagination believing it to be more real than reality? Yes.

I stop all beliefs. I breathe and unconditionally note in common sense that the best use of my time is to dissolve identity and to work with others to create solutions in this life, for all equally.


The Point: Day 628

the point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel misunderstood within demonstrating what I thought was support and how this created a polarity within me – within wanting to clarify the issue and my point and wanting to just let the point go and not follow up with what I projected was support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I have something/someone to defend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself attempting to be supportive but also trying to make a point and to defend that point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have hope with regard to fixing and/or diffusing a situation and how such hope created a polarity between what does exist and what I hope could exist and how energy and separation are the natural outcomes of desiring a future manifestation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have remnants of hope and how such hope, in creating separation, only lengthens my time/stay in the prison of ignorance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist knowing as best I can everything of what has already created here on earth and how without completely understanding the multidimensions of what is, the new cannot come into being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within feeding off a memory of being told by my mother how much sacrifice went into my being able to live a comfortable life and how I was ungrateful and did not see the hardship my mother had to put up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the memory of feeling guilty and angry that I wasn’t able to protect my mother from her hardship and feeling indignant at the same time that I should be expected to make up for her hardship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a hope that basic needs can be met worldwide first as the number one priority and how I have allowed myself to go into an energetic reaction of resistance when this ideal is not validated and supported.

I commit myself to breathing as the best solution to prevent me from leaving this time and this place and wandering into imagination and hope.

I commit myself to work with others as best I can and to whenever I have energetic impulses I will stop and wait before acting to ensure I ground myself here before acting/speaking.

I commit to letting go of my past so that I can allow a rebirth of myself, creating a self through this process, that can be trusted throughout time.

I commit to being self-honest as best I can and to admit when I am wrong, delusional, reactive, self-interested and to no more define myself or others based on what I have accepted and allowed in the past but to breathe and realize the opportunity in each moment of breath to create a life worthy of Life.


For #CecilTheLion

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“We animals are literally expressing 1% of our potential. This is not ideal…but we are here, we exist, we are alive.”

According to this Lion all animals have their own physical programming that is unique to them – just as humans have their own individuality – and now, because of a severe environmental degradation lions must exist in ‘survival mode.’ The apparent uniformity of behavior among lions works to their disadvantage as humans don’t see the individuality of each Lion – they exist in the mind of man as objectified, as a collective mass. Such accepted perceptions are used to justify the killing and abuse of lions and other animals.

The Lion explains how exhausting life has become because the needed nutrition to survive is no longer abundant while the life energy of the water, the air, and protein does not supply what is needed for optimal health – and how this degradation compromises not only the animals but affects all life, equally.

The human, being the self-proclaimed dominant species, has neglected the responsibility of protecting and caring for life, resulting in a world in ‘survival mode’. Just like the Lion here a majority of humans are  “driven into a corner” in order to survive. We compromise our potential when we believe every thought we have, every negative comment from others and when we react and do not allow ourselves the opportunity to discover what life can really be and become. We don’t even know what we are missing.

This Lion is asking, “Can you see how you could be part of creating such an honoring of Life for all? What kind of life are you living for yourself and for others?

What are we waiting for?


What is my mind trying to tell me now? Day 627

thank-you

thank you

As I question and investigate my mind process in relation to my physical being it has been an ongoing process for me to stop aligning myself with my mind and changing my starting point from thinking to living.

To align my mind into the physical is a challenge especially when the physical is not quite well. So what is it that is being shown for me to see? I have my mind reflecting thoughts and I have my body reflecting the consequences of my thoughts. I am in the middle, the generator, the creator.

To see what it is to be equal and to accept what the mind and the physical present to me –is a process of actual communication with the physical reality of who and what I am and what I have created. So whatever is shown, or is evident, or manifesting is what is real, is what I have to look at and that is a gift because I do not have to search for the next step,  – it is here – presented to me as my mind and body.

This acceptance allows me to see and forgive how I have allowed my mind, my thoughts, my feelings and emotions to impact and cause consequences to the physical body and to this world.

Am I looking at what I want to see, rather than what is actually here? I have had this in a day, in a minute – where I create a simulated reality, creating what I want and what I would like to experience and feel…and then I challenged my creation and saw that I was no longer in my body…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in thoughts I know I am creating in order to have an experience or a feeling and within this finding all varieties of back doors and side doors and imaginative loopholes to indulge in a momentary fantasy all the while being aware that I am doing so; being half in and half out and not stopping in the moment, at once, for certain.

I commit to be the authoritative stand of me: standing absolute, not compromising, not “half” accepting and allowing the mind and when I see myself try and create a ‘work around’ so that I can indulge in a projection, I stop, I breathe and I take control and command of myself.


How I gave away my authority (Day 626)

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About two weeks ago I quit my job. I was overworked, stressed and unhappy. My work had become repetitious and meaningless. The good part was that I was paid well and I was able to give a number of friends steady freelance work. My boss, a vice president, took little interest in my job and seemed only concerned that I make him look good. He admitted that he had no idea what I do and said that “people like me” who work in creative services are usually under-appreciated. He added that doing such a job was a bit “masochist.” Such obvious lack of interest to help me  – move up. out  — or improve – caused me to give up hope and to revert to blame.

Like the “experimenters” in the classic “Milgram experiment” – I was hurting someone.  I just didn’t realize I was hurting myself.

If I rewind my life I can see how I came to accept such conditions. Most of my life I have worked as a freelance artist. Freelancing, as the name implies, allows a more open and flexible schedule but it can be fraught with financial uncertainty. Predicting income can difficult – things like a home loan and various forms of credit are not easy to get as a freelancer. So when I was offered a job about 12 years ago in a company with benefits and a predictable income, I thought I would try it.

In his 1964 experiment, Stanley Milgram elaborated two theories: the theory of conformism, which was based on Solomon Asch conformity experiments where Asch demonstrated the degree to which an individual’s own opinions are influenced by those of a majority group… (get a job with a company, relax a bit, don’t worry about money for a while…) This theory showed that a subject who has neither ability nor expertise to make decisions, especially in a crisis, will leave decision making to the group and its hierarchy.

Working, especially in a corporation, requires varying degrees of conformity; but the big decisions and outcomes that affect our life – our salary,  how much time we are expected to work, time off, vacation etc. are generally out of one’s control. To succeed requires conformity to that culture. Success is measured based on many intangibles besides measurable output – some are subtle and others are obvious. Over time one becomes accustomed to accepting the work-personal barter: that the big decisions affecting one’s life (money and free time) are made need I remind ….not by you.

The second theory, the agentic theory, states that “a person comes to view themselves as the instrument for carrying out another person’s wishes, and they therefore no longer see themselves as responsible for their actions. Once this critical shift of viewpoint has occurred in the person, all of the essential features of obedience follow.”

In my case I buckled under the demands of carrying out “another’s wishes” – I chose not to fight for what I saw was needed and then I did not take full responsibility for my decision. I held onto blame. I wanted it to be someone else’s fault that I did not want to be a part of this particular corporate culture.

I had to fight against all the voices in my head that said it was all their fault, that I did everything right. Like the “experts” in the Milgram experiment who told the experimenters that it was “alright” to keep administering the shocks, despite the physical symptoms of stress, anger, fatigue and general malaise, I continued to work at the job long after I should have left. I kept working because the “expert” in my head told me I might be able to change the conditions, that I might be recognized and given more authority. But instead of acting on what my body was trying to tell me, I persisted. I did not want to obey but I did want to blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused my physical body within giving myself “shocks” as in continuing to endure the stress and strain of my job long after I knew it was not healthy for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to the “experts” in my head telling me I could endure and change the work environment when it became obvious that I could not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blame as a method to feel self-righteous about the stress and strain that I allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blame as an energetic state within which I defined myself instead of investigating change or just quitting earlier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for because I preferred to blame rather than change myself.

I commit to no more use blame as a substitute for taking responsibility for myself and if I can logically make the argument for why I should or should not be doing something I will not resort to blame to prop up my version of reality in order to have a feeling/experience of self-righteousness and self-identity.


Career Ambivalence – Day 624

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Looking back at my early ambivalence within choosing and starting a career when I was in my twenties

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my uniqueness and my opportunity to live a privileged and exciting life by accepting a job that I consider to be ‘mundane.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people who work in such jobs as beneath me, that they are not as talented or imaginative or as special as I am and therefore they must do mundane types of jobs/professions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to respond within self-pity within wanting to scream and have a big energetic release and how this is a belief that I have that if I just scream and cry and indulge in self-pity that it would actually create an outcome that I would like or produce an effect that would benefit me and what it has always done is just caused me to feel worn out and hopeless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be confused that there must be a mistake because I was not meant for such a mundane career and why is it that people don’t see my potential for some unspecified greatness and this passivity is partly the result of having grown up affluent but also having felt misunderstood as a child and so there was a sense that it couldn’t have all been a waste, that there had to have been a bigger purpose to my being misunderstood and that this bigger purpose would reveal itself to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that perhaps there is no bail-out in sight; that the world is actually a really boring place where the only option available is to work in an office for the rest of my life.

When and as I see myself fear that an external condition or occupation could have the power to define who and what I am able to be and become, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I had a projection of myself as someone special that would not be limited to what I saw as a ‘mundane’ life and that such a privilege would just be given to me, that I didn’t need to create it. I commit myself to no more indulge in fantasies about my future but to realize that what I give my attention to, moment by moment, determines and creates the future I will live.

When and as I see myself judge myself as superior to others based on their jobs or occupations, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this was my way of compensating my ego for not having found what I wanted or my place in my career and instead of structuring my future and figuring out in a practical way what I really wanted and how I would go about achieving what I wanted, I chose to detach and assume that determining my future was out of my control and in this way I would not be responsible for what happened. I commit to no more allow myself to accept feelings and emotions related to “my life being beyond my ability to create” and to practically apply myself to create what I want as best I can.

When and as I see myself respond in self-pity to my circumstances/life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I used to think of crying as comforting and I saw it as supporting myself, as a confirmation of the depth of my feelings. I commit to no more use crying and self-pity as a distraction to stopping and understanding the origin of my depression, sadness or confusion.

When and as I see myself fear that there is no other option for me but to live my work life in an office, I stop and I breathe. I realize such thoughts sabotage my initiative and cause me to give up on myself. I commit to no longer allow such thoughts to define what is possible within I can create with and for myself.


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