Author Archives: JL

Change has to be Created – Day 634


Once upon a time I worked in a field that held little meaning for me. I wanted to change my life. I decided on a specific graduate school program and within a short time realized it was a mistake. Instead of admitting my mistake I ‘soldiered on’.

I compromised myself at the very beginning of this particular phase in my life overruling what could have been a simple solution. In order to accomplish what I really wanted required doing well on a test that involved higher math. I had rejected learning math after primary school, so passing the graduate record exam in math was impossible unless I went back and learned the math I had rejected. I didn’t do it.

I had a gift within I did not take seriously: that I can change myself, that I can create what I want … but it requires living a decision, in this case not a big one – just starting again with high school math. I believed my excuses and justifications were more valid than my capacity to change. Hidden among my justifications was a belief that change should be something that is ‘natural’  and that if the ‘the universe’ wanted me to do this it wouldn’t seem/appear so difficult (which it wasn’t/isn’t)

The opposite is actually the case. Change is not usually supported or governed by some invisible hand of benevolence. Change has to be created. I missed that part. This was a hard lesson to learn because I had to live the consequences of these self-limiting beliefs about change and then change again anyway! Maybe you won’t have to.

This interview helped me in looking at this issue: Change and Chains

Darkness Invisible – Day 633

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The Dark Street Charles Blackman 1954

A point came up of an underlying feeling of futility, lurking deep inside – that  surfacing and staging alternate worlds in the background of my reality…

Associated memories: I’m 15  driving with my father and I driving on the FDR expressway and as we past Harlem my father says, “most people do live ‘quiet lives of desperation.’


A picture of my mother one Christmas morning from when I was in high school. It catches my mother ‘off guard’ – she is looking at the something on the dining room table and I interpret the existential angst on her face as “I don’t want to be here.”

I forgive myself for allowing myself to accept that an emotional undercurrent of futility exists in and as me on a base, hidden and a subliminal level as well as on a conscious level where it exists in doses so small so that I don’t always see, name it or even recognize it but just accept it as a part of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty as if I have no right to experience futility – that the opportunities I have had in this world take away any right I may have to feel overwhelmed or have low-grade feelings of futility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view myself as ungrateful and that if I just had the right insight, the right tool, I wouldn’t have this undercurrent existing within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself, taking it as a personal failure that if I would only work harder or be more disciplined, I wouldn’t be feeling pessimistic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that this undercurrent feeling of futility will grow, coming more to the surface, causing me to feel more hopeless and ineffective.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed, that my ‘low-grade fever’ of futility demonstrates a character flaw or some kind of weakness and/or atavism.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and pawn off any ‘upsurge’ of futility and attribute it to a cause, to some event in the past, to a parent, –anything but just allowing the experience to be what it is.

I commit to stop fighting with myself within pushing away the experience of futility and to allow myself to experience the many dimensions of this personality/pattern/program and to investigate it’s purpose – what does it serves in me, how I can use the feeling of futility – that comes from my body, as well as my mind – to listen and gain insight and awareness through this experience of the multi-dimensional world and physical body I/we inhabit?

Don’t Wait – Investigate Day 632

Letting-goI wish I could magically go back and gift myself the tools I have now….

When I was young I often held myself back from experimenting and trying new things if I thought it would result in opening myself up to criticism or failure.  It was important to me to appear strong within my family dynamic. I didn’t want to be singled out so I avoided big ‘challenges’ unless I knew I could be successful. As a child I wanted  to please my mother but I grew to resent this role and all the other people I tried to please. I  wanted a break from myself – from my mind and from the roles I took on. The defensive, rebellious  person I had become was not easy to contain. The disparity between being myself and wanting to be seen in  my scripted version required lots of energy and time. I just wanted to relax. I tried meditation, I tried spiritual pursuits, I tried relationships, I tried drugs and I tried work. I thought if I had a professional ‘label’ – that by virtue of it, I would not have to explain myself to others. I left what I liked doing (art and other activities) and spent a lot of money and time choosing to become a teacher. The problem was, I didn’t really want to be a teacher. To now realize it didn’t have to be that way is a gift I would like to share with others.

There’s more of course, but the point is that if I had a tool like the Desteni I Process when I was in my teens and twenties I could have saved myself a ton of grief. I would have seen the patterns and beliefs that drove the impulses and decisions I made and I would have realized I have a cholce: to not participate in my drama and get on with my life!

It’s not easy to face the realization that you can’t go back and have a ‘do over’ – so those of you who can avoid this, I strongly urge you to do so.

Creating Personalities: the intuitive/introvert Day 631

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When I was about 30 I wanted a change in my life, but I didn’t know how far I could push myself or what specific new direction I wanted to take…I just knew I wanted something more. I thought ‘time was running out’ and being a good little citizen, I took a standardized psychological evaluation test.

The results supported an idea I had of myself, that my specialness resided in connecting with my interest in religion/spirituality and my pursuit in seeking answers . Did the results accurately reflect who I was because I wanted it to be so? I think so – but was this all that I was?

I wanted an explanation as to why I experienced myself as shy and insecure and having a test paper ‘from experts’ imply that it was ‘just my nature’ I no longer felt responsible or even believed that I was able to change myself because I saw these characteristics as innate, stagnant traits. I used the personality test to boost my ego when I was feeling invalid, creating a layer of separation from reality by seeing myself as superior and relishing the idea that I was too ‘rarefied’ for the everyday world.

I created a personality as an intuitive/introvert as a way to compensate for feeling I was not successful and within defining myself as an introvert and as intuitive I created an alternative self that was good and even better than others.  I used this assessment as an excuse to not taking risks with myself or with others and I used it as a way  to explain my insecurity and discomfort…as I became older I became more detached, more introverted and this test supported and served this gradual development of my personality as more of an observer and less of a participant in life.

After buying into the idea that this was ‘my personality’ I went on to fulfill the expectations of someone who tested positive in a certain category from a  psych test. I do not really know what came first: was I introverted because I was ‘by nature’ introverted or did I become introverted in reaction to feeling insecure and afraid of being who and what I am?

How did/can I change this habit of building prisons for myself?
to be continued

Down to earth and practical, living change. Day 630


My down-to-earth friend, Bart

Years ago I was in a band. I had a problem with the band ‘leader’. It was a relationship I went into knowing that one person had been designated ‘in charge’ but I started to chaff against the ‘hierarchical setup’ muttering to yourself, not being honest – being one way and thinking another.

In relation to this person, and at that time, I identified nearly completely with the thoughts in the mind, believing them real, making them real – creating drama and consequences and the point to share now is that it is possible to go back in time, to self-correct and clean up any mess left behind – any residual thoughts, attachments and/or personalities. This is what the Desteni I Process is all about: self correction and self creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself because I have to adhere to the ‘rules’ of the woman who started the band, and because she is very strong about what she wants I do not like always like her or agree with her and I perceive she is patronizing and wants me in the band because I am young and I look a certain ‘part.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a multitude of her characteristics: bossy, narcissistic, neglectful of her child, a phony spiritual person and I try to hide my backchat about her and to appreciate that she has created this band and that the goals of the band are worthwhile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame her for being domineering because I do not feel like I am considered as a collaborator but more as a pet or as a symbol of ‘younger, cooler person’ for the band.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with her for just being who she is and how I just find her annoying because I think she is too high strung, self righteous and wiry but I do not want to quit the band because I think it is cool to be in a band and I enjoy playing with the other musicians.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent her because she gets to be right/make decisions and there is hardly ever room for discussion or dissent within how the music and the band are set up and she starts to remind me of my mother – stern, headstrong and able to ignore me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with her when she becomes angry with me when I suggest that someone else sing one or two of the songs and I really want to say, “I can’t stand your voice anymore” but I don’t and I see within this a pattern that I have repeated throughout my life where I do not say what I mean because I am afraid of the reaction and so I skirt the real reason why I am saying something by using another, less ‘offensive’ excuse (like the change would be good, rather than critiquing her voice)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent her because I see her as bossy and humorless and I resent her having all the control over the songs and the arrangements and I see that I do not following her lead and I do not like that I am not considered worthy of including in decision making.

When and as I see myself pity myself because I do not like the woman who leads the band and I feel I am being taken advantage of, I stop and I breathe. I realize I pitied myself because I felt the ‘real me’ was not seen and appreciated and that I was there because I ‘looked the part’ and how this set off the pattern within me of being valued for how I look, a picture presentation of a ‘nice girl’ instead of being ‘taken seriously’ the way ‘guys are.’ I commit to stop any instances where I start to feel sorry for myself because I feel I am being unfairly victimized because I am female or look a certain way and to instead enjoy myself and stop allowing thoughts about what others think/perceive me to influence me or define.

When and as I see myself judge her for a variety of reasons, I stop and I breathe. I realize she bothers me because she was reflecting back to me repressed and suppressed aspects of myself that I did not want to face: wanting to control, feeling out of control, being all over the place, spiritually, neglecting aspects of myself. I commit to use any/all antipathies I have towards others to see if what I am finding difficult about them is really what I find difficult about myself and if so, to correct myself.

When and as I see myself blame her because I view the setup of the band as too hierarchical and I see her as  ‘bossy’, I stop and I breathe. I realize my self-righteousness comes from not being given enough attention and because my ideas for the band are not taken seriously which is a play-out similar to my childhood within trying to get attention and be taken seriously. I commit to stop assuming that working/doing something with others is going to fit in nicely with all my desires, plans, and preferences and to, when things are not going the way I would like, to stop and breathe and see how I can work with people in a way that works for all.

When and as I see myself become angry because someone I am with is high strung and/or self-righteous, I stop and I breathe. I realize that she reminds me of my mother who would often say that I was ‘too high-strung’ and I how I resented this and would became angry because of her judgment. I commit to stop myself whenever I am in a reaction to another person and to breathe and ask myself if this reaction is familiar then what is the origin and can I trace it back to stop the pattern and if I cannot do it in the moment – to do it later, as soon as I can?

When and as I see myself resent someone because I project that they think I cannot challenge them along with assuming other attributes that remind me of my mother, I stop and I breathe. I realize that all these attributes boil down to the pattern of feeling disregarded and dismissed; that my opinion doesn’t matter or count. I commit to, when I have a feeling or emotion related to being dismissed or discounted, to breathe and feel myself connected to the earth and the actual matter that is life which I support and which supports me.

When and as I see myself become angry because I do not say what I really mean and how I become angry with myself because of it, I stop and I breathe. I realize there are many tributaries leading to this personality trait of being afraid/reluctant to say what I mean and one origin point was just wanting to be accepted and liked and how this pattern started in the early school years of feeling different and wanting confirmation that I was OK. I commit to slow down and consider how I can better articulate with others what I like, how I feel or what I think iand to accept that there may be consequences which may include others not agreeing with me and to realize it’s inevitable and OK for that to happen.

When and as I see myself resent her because I see her as bossy, humorless and dictatorial, I stop and I breathe. I realize that starting with my mother and going forward I have always had trouble with authority, especially after being with nuns who I also saw as dictatorial, bossy and humorless. I commit to stop the automated nature of my reaction towards women, especially women that look like nuns, or who are especially ‘masculine’ in their expression within wanting to be mean towards them or ignore them and make them feel bad and I commit to take another in-depth look into this pattern so that I can really understand and free myself from further reaction.

Identity and the American Dream® — Day 629


What is ‘identity’? Why did I believe I needed to create one? Didn’t I come into this world with an identity: wasn’t I already me when I got here?

As a child there was an attempt to impart a ‘scripted’ identity imposed through family, mass culture and education – one that I  accepted (for a time) as real – couched under a grand  ‘Amercian Dream’  that promised to ‘improve’ and ‘progress’ for all life on earth, equally.

As I grew older the pursuit of ‘freedom’, ‘creating your own way of life’ and ‘greater affluence’ came into conflict with what I observed: an abused earth with the majority of people having no access to ‘freedom’, ‘affluence’ or even flushing toliets…

Coming of age in the 1970s the hippie hopes that preceded us never materialized. There are many reasons for this but from my perspective as a teenager it left a gaping hole of disappointment. Instead of ending starvation and creating ‘geodesic domes’ for everyone who needed them, we ‘manifested’ self help instruction, power suits and naval gazing. Sound cynical? As a young person I created my own justification/identity within these paradoxes. I accepted a kind of caste system: that there were some people working to create a better world while others, such as myself, were contributing within exploring the spiritual dimension, providing prayers and intentions that would somehow magically manifest a better world. Ha ha! hence my current  cynicism realism.

There have been many junctures in my life when I have realized that my ‘identity’ was self-serving. Did I comply and hold fast to the default beliefs and conditioned identity? Yes. Did I deny what is going on and retreat into the imagination believing it to be more real than reality? Yes.

I stop all beliefs. I breathe and unconditionally note in common sense that the best use of my time is to dissolve identity and to work with others to create solutions in this life, for all equally.

The Point: Day 628

the point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel misunderstood within demonstrating what I thought was support and how this created a polarity within me – within wanting to clarify the issue and my point and wanting to just let the point go and not follow up with what I projected was support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I have something/someone to defend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself attempting to be supportive but also trying to make a point and to defend that point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have hope with regard to fixing and/or diffusing a situation and how such hope created a polarity between what does exist and what I hope could exist and how energy and separation are the natural outcomes of desiring a future manifestation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have remnants of hope and how such hope, in creating separation, only lengthens my time/stay in the prison of ignorance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist knowing as best I can everything of what has already created here on earth and how without completely understanding the multidimensions of what is, the new cannot come into being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within feeding off a memory of being told by my mother how much sacrifice went into my being able to live a comfortable life and how I was ungrateful and did not see the hardship my mother had to put up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the memory of feeling guilty and angry that I wasn’t able to protect my mother from her hardship and feeling indignant at the same time that I should be expected to make up for her hardship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a hope that basic needs can be met worldwide first as the number one priority and how I have allowed myself to go into an energetic reaction of resistance when this ideal is not validated and supported.

I commit myself to breathing as the best solution to prevent me from leaving this time and this place and wandering into imagination and hope.

I commit myself to work with others as best I can and to whenever I have energetic impulses I will stop and wait before acting to ensure I ground myself here before acting/speaking.

I commit to letting go of my past so that I can allow a rebirth of myself, creating a self through this process, that can be trusted throughout time.

I commit to being self-honest as best I can and to admit when I am wrong, delusional, reactive, self-interested and to no more define myself or others based on what I have accepted and allowed in the past but to breathe and realize the opportunity in each moment of breath to create a life worthy of Life.


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